How to Have Difficult Family Conversations that End in Connection

Disagreements and misunderstandings are normal parts of family dynamics. 

Think of any episode of Modern Family: there are always a few characters that are upset with each other due to their misunderstanding what the other person’s intentions or concerns are. It may seem obvious to the viewer how to end the squabble, but since the characters do not understand each other’s side of the story it may feel impossible. 

We know that real life is not as simple as an episode of Modern Family. Modern Family episodes end with connection and understanding, and that does not always happen in real life.

We may end conversations with family members feeling more confused or resentful. We may not always come up with the right solutions to problems, causing even more misunderstandings in the future. 

This is a normal part of life. However, we can learn ways to communicate more effectively so that our conversations end with more of that connection and understanding we crave. 

How do we start?

First, think of some repeating disagreements you may be having with your children or partner. Notice the problem, not the behavior. This part may seem tricky, so here are some examples: 

• Example 1

• Behavior: Teenager not putting shoes away when he gets home.

• Problem to Focus on: The shoes are scattered on the floor and it makes it difficult to walk around.

• Example 2

• Behavior: Your partner talks over you when you are trying to tell a story.

• Problem to focus on: You don’t feel heard, and you get frustrated. 

• Example 3

• Behavior: Your toddler slaps you when she is mad.

• Problem to focus on: Your toddler is having trouble getting your attention in a safe way.

Finding the difference between behaviors and problems may seem tedious, but if we solely focus on the behavior no lasting change will occur.

This is because the behavior is the symptom not the problem.

So, yes the behaviors need to change but we need to understand the problems in order to find that change. 

Setting the Tone

Now that we’ve found the challenge to focus on, we are ready to have an open conversation. We want to make sure everyone is calm before the conversation begins. We also want to make sure that the conversation is held in a safe environment. 

But wait!

One more thing to think about before having this conversation! Empathy. There is no point in having a conversation with a loved one if you are unable to provide empathy and understanding of their concerns. 

Empathy will look like actively listening, attempting to understand their point of view, not talking back, and giving them space to fully explain their concerns. Empathy takes patience and will take up the majority of this conversation.

If you want to solve this problem, you must show empathy. (You may need some time to yourself to re-center/self-regulate/self-soothe first. It’s hard to have empathy when we’re seeing red or feeling the sting of being disrespected.)

Starting the Conversation

Now that you have the problem to focus on, have a calm environment to talk in, and are ready to be empathetic you can start your conversation!

• Start by sharing the problem to focus on.

• Be sure not to blame or assume ill will.

• Kindly ask them if they can tell you what is going on from their perspective. 

This is where that empathy and patience comes in. For some people, they may become stressed at this point. It is important you remind your children that they are not in trouble, or remind your partner that you truly want to understand their perspective (and mean it!). 

Be patient with them. Ask them some clarifying questions. Provide reassurance and reflect on how they feel. 

Once you both feel like their concern is understood, you can share yours.

Keep your concern brief and mindful. Your concern should only relate to health, learning, impact on others, and safety. This is not a time for you to shame them. For example, with the toddler that slaps the parent when they are mad, the parent’s concern may be that slapping hurts other people (impact on others and safety).

Collaborative Solutions

Once you both have your concerns heard and you both still feel calm, it is time to find a solution to the problem. This is where the magic happens! 

For conversations with children especially, you want to have them come up with some possible solutions first. This strengthens their confidence, independence, and critical thinking skills. Let them come up with as many solutions as they want - silly ones count! 

After they have some possible solutions, check in with those solutions. Ask them if the solution meets both people’s concerns, is realistic, and does not cause more problems. If you find one that works, try it out! If they have trouble coming up with solutions after many minutes, you can help them out. 

Preparing for Next Time

Lastly, if the problem comes up again - no worries - it may be time to have another similar conversation due to a concern not being fully solved. This may feel very overwhelming at first try, but please be gentle with yourself.

This is a type of conversation that will take many attempts to feel confident in completing. You may be surprised at how effective this type of conversation is at solving disagreements in your home! 

Guest Blog by Katelyn Sager